


How is it?

by JosieFruitcake



Category: No Fandom
Genre: HIM - Freeform, Sad, Suicide, That Guy, how is it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:15:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JosieFruitcake/pseuds/JosieFruitcake





	How is it?

How is it that he can lead me on, Make me think that I have a chance with him, Make me feel like I'm gold and the rest are just piles of common granite that no one thinks to admire or think dearly of? How is it that when he's done toying with me and playing games with my heart, that he thinks he can tell me to forget about him, when at one point he meant everything to me, and I thought I meant everything to him? How is it that I can start to pull away, start to forget about him, Then I see him in the hallway or in the street and suddenly I feel those feelings flow back to me and they're stronger than they ever were before? It makes no sense how someone can treat me this way but I keep all of those feelings for that individual person. At first I think it's just this huge crush you have, that everyone has, then as I slowly grow each day I start to understand it's so much more than that. But I think; "I can't be in love. No way. It's too fast, it's impossible. I refuse to believe it." Then, ever-so slowly, I begin to believe it. I think about them. More and more until the feelings rush over me again, and I feel a numbing sensation in my cheeks. "I'm not blushing right now am I?" I would think to myself, then someone notices and I freeze. Making my memory of that person come back to me again. Maybe that person who saw me was my best friend. And maybe they know I've slightly fallen for someone because I've been acting different lately. They ask me who I like, they ask me and ask me, but I don't want to say. I'm afraid that if I talk about it, it will be even more awkward when I know it's not going to work out. I don't know how to explain it to them, I can't just say I've fallen in love with them, although I may have, but I haven't told myself just yet. I tell them, I hate telling them, but I do. I don't hate telling them because I'm afraid they're going to tell someone. I'm afraid that I have jinxed what was going on and it's going to turn even harsher into something I'm afraid to approach.  
Then the next day goes by. I see them in the hall way. I can't help but try to hold back a smile and go on my phone, but his amazing, sparkling eyes were on me. My head goes fuzzy and my stomach turns. I love it. I walk away from them, no wave, no hello. Just walk away, he can't see me anymore but I feel like collapsing. I feel like walking back, and collapsing in his arms, but I know I can't do that. He lead me on. He said he didn't know how to have a relationship with me, because of things going on in his life. But the saddest part of it all; I've used that excuse before. I don't know if I can believe that or not. Is he lying to me? Is he done having anything to do with me? I message him on Facebook. All seems well. He answers, happy as always. I keep talking and talking and I keep falling deeper and deeper into the bad situation I shouldn't be getting myself into. He answers slowly, and it gives me time to reevaluate myself. Am I being annoying? Do I need to tone it down a notch? Am I getting on his nerves? For some reason all of these things matter. And he seems perfectly fine. He actually seems like he wants to make conversation with me. But it's making me anxious. His longer waits make me feel like he's just going to stop answering me, and I don't want that. So I keep going. I keep waiting. I'm afraid to message him because I have no idea what he'll think. He might think I'm clingy, or annoying, or rude. I don't want that. I want to be myself. But it's so hard to be myself when there's some one making me want to be better. Not better for anyone else. Just better for that, Individual person that I care so much about for some reason.

There's a dance coming up. The next day is the last day to buy tickets but I don't know if he's going, and I want him to go with me. I want him to dance with me. I want to slow dance with him and hold my head on his shoulder because its what I'm longing for and what I wish for most deeply. 

Another day goes by, another person figures it out but I don't understand how. "hey, give them a hug" they say to my crush. I freeze, and hug him. I felt like I was standing there forever. I wish I could because the feeling of hugging them was amazing. But he began to pull away, holding him there would show him I'm clingy. I don't want that. His hug was so comforting. I want that again. I want it everyday for the rest of my life, but- I can't have that. Because reality is stopping me from having my dreams come true. "Your life is not a fucking movie, stop acting like you're twelve." I tell myself. Over and over again. I need to get this person out of my head, I need to get all of this weight off of my shoulders. Finals are coming up. A few days and they're suffocating me farther and farther. The person I now openly admit to loving is completely against having relation with me. I'm losing friends one by one because they don't want to be around an always upset person. So I go home with all of these things on my mind. And I message them; "I can't do this anymore."  
And I grab an X-acto knife. It's sharp. I cut up your left arm. It's not enough. I cut up your right thigh. It's still not enough. I'm sick of cutting. I'm sick of using this sickening way of letting myself go. I grab the pill bottle off of the top of the fridge that my mom uses for her depression. And I swallow 5. Will that be enough? Should I do more? I take 5 more. Is that enough? Will that do it? I take a few more and lose count after that. I forget everything. Everything is black and dark, but I'm happy. So happy because the only thing I can remember is his face. His face smiling at me as I go into a deep sleep. Forgetting the world and everything in it but him. 

How is it he can make me feel this way and not realize it?


End file.
